Sam A. Andreades

Dating with Discernment: 12 Questions to Make a Lasting Marriage

Paperback, Three Ebook Formats
(2 customer reviews)

Gracious, clear, and non-legalistic, this book offers a fresh, biblical paradigm for choosing a spouse.

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Dating with Discernment: 12 Questions to Make a Lasting Marriage, by Sam A. Andreades

“This is a brilliant book!”
Rosaria Butterfield, Author, The Gospel Comes with a House Key

“Provocative and profoundly insightful advice.”
Dr. Joel R. Beeke, President, Puritan Reformed Theological Seminary, Grand Rapids, Michigan

Done with dating? Don’t know where to start? Wondering if your date is the one to marry? Pastor-scholar Sam Andreades brings single Christians in that vulnerable life moment the practical, theological help to make the dangerous decision confidently. Bringing the Bible’s wisdom on relationships to bear on the dating scene, he helps you lay a foundation for a love that lasts.

This book will teach you how to:

  • Confidently say good-bye to ill-suited suitors
  • Deepen your relationship with God as you date
  • Find, and make a lifelong commitment to, a worthy, compatible mate
  • Understand the role of gender in developing intimacy
  • Form a strong foundation for marriage in your dating as you grow into what marriage is about


Sam AndreadesDr. Sam A. Andreades is an Associate Pastor of Iron Works Church of Phoenixville (PCA), and holds degrees from Yale University, Reformed Theological Seminary, New York University, and Covenant Theological Seminary. He has been a minister for twenty years, serving congregations in Pennsylvania and in Greenwich Village, Manhattan, and is founder of Higher Ground, a New York City ministry of Christian discipleship serving those with unwanted same-sex attractions. Sam has spoken around the country on the Christian view of gender and his first book, enGendered, won the World Magazine Book of the Year Award for Accessible Theology. He and his wife, Mary K., have four children. Two are married and two are single and dating with discernment.


Endorsed by Rosaria Butterfield, Joel Beeke, Geoff Bradford, and Darin Pesnell. 

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“This is a brilliant book! Much like he did in enGendered, Sam A. Andreades has found the sweet spot in reading both Scripture and culture simultaneously to anticipate, articulate, and answer the questions that young people (and their parents) are now asking. He then directs them on how to live faithfully and proactively in the creation ordinance in a post-Obergefell world, where everything from sexual difference to biblical marriage is vexed with Orwellian confusion and despised by those with cultural capital. I especially loved how he opens the book with “How to Break Up” and then directly confronts the pros and cons (and sometimes necessities) of on-line dating services. The writing style is both informal and compelling, and Sam’s pastor’s heart (and the tire-treads on that heart) are evident throughout.”
Rosaria Butterfield, Author, The Gospel Comes with a House Key

“Sam Andreades offers provocative and profoundly insightful advice for men and women about dating. This book is sure to make its readers think and rethink how they go about seeking a spouse.”
Dr. Joel R. Beeke, President, Puritan Reformed Theological Seminary, Grand Rapids, Michigan

“Sam has done it again! He has taken his pioneering, countercultural work on gender in his last book, enGendered, and applied it here for the church to one of her most misunderstood topics: dating. The Church in America is between a rock and a hard place with regard to this topic. On the one hand, she struggles to disciple people in an overly sexualized culture which views relationships as disposable and transactional. On the other hand, the Church is still grappling with the damage of past teaching on dating that was unBiblical, reactionary, and legalistic. Between that Scylla and Charybdis, Sam offers this refreshing and super-practical book—from teaching on how to break up with someone to 12 questions for knowing if you are Mr. Right or if your date is Mr. Wrong. I will be mass distributing it in my church once this comes to print!
Geoff Bradford, Senior Pastor of Christ the King Presbyterian Church, Raleigh, and Philadelphia church-planter

“As a Pastor, it breaks my heart to see, on the one hand, so many marriages fail and then, on the other, to see marriages never take place as people are finding it increasingly difficult to find a suitable spouse. Even though online dating promises an abundance of “matches,” I hear story after story of how difficult it is to date successfully. I’m deeply thankful for Dr. Andreades, a reliable guide in assisting men and women to navigate the complexities of dating in our present cultural context.  The author skillfully avoids legalism while at the same time providing an abundance of practical help that is deeply rooted in Scripture in general, and in a theology of gender in specific. I highly recommend this important book and would love to see the book have a massive impact.”
Darin Pesnell, Senior Lead Pastor of Iron Works Church, Phoenixville, and Head of the Iron Works Church Planting Network


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Weight9 oz
Dimensions0.64 × 5.5 × 8.5 in
Imprint or Series

Cruciform Standard


Print/PDF 978-1-949253-18-4
Mobi 978-1-949253-19-1
ePub 978-1-949253-20-7

US List Price

16.50 ebook, 21.99 Print


280 pages


Paperback, Three Ebook Formats

2 reviews for Dating with Discernment: 12 Questions to Make a Lasting Marriage

  1. Aaron

    Around the holidays, dating seems to be a hot topic for discussion. But how can we have wisdom in whom we choose to pursue? How can we be smart about searching for a significant other? In Dating with Discernment, Sam A. Andreades asks 12 questions to make a lasting marriage.

    Worldview and Relationships

    Interestingly, the book begins with a chapter on “How to Break Up,” in which Andreades offers seven steps to have a good breakup. His rationale is that “you must be ready to not be married so you can have a good marriage.”

    While it is a startling way to open the book, it is also one that is tinged with hope. For Christians, Christ is enough—and he will help us as we find our future spouse. Worldview and relationships set the foundation for dating, and Andreades shows how Christianity—and the doctrine of the Trinity—give warrant and respect for the process. The book then gets into the meatier questions, and what I appreciated most was the way the questions are paralleled for both men and women.

    The first set of questions are outward focused, looking at what your future spouse can provide: (1) “Can He Secure Me? / Can She Give Me Rest?” (2) “Can He Take Charge for Us? / Can She Esteem Me? and (3) “Does He Have the Mission for Us?” / Can She Empower Our Journey?”

    The book then turns the tables, looking inwardly at what you can be for your significant other: “(1) Can I Secure Her? / Can I Give Him Rest?” (2) “Can I Take Charge for Her? / Can I Esteem Him?” and (3) “Is There a Mission for Us Together? / Can I Empower Our Journey?”

    Life in the Future, Together

    The book is tethered to complementarian theology, referencing the headship of Christ and his role of leadership over the Church. The book is also practical, asking pointed questions such as “Does she have a devotional life?” and “Have I matured enough as a man to have my own opinions?”

    At around 250 pages, this book is a gem. While Andreades offers stories and pop-culture references, he reasons with Scripture and writes with wisdom. A Scripture Index is included, with over 50 books of the Bible referenced.

    What I most appreciated was the future-orientation of the book. While dating relationships are typically focused on the present moment, marriage necessitates a proper understanding and outlook for life in the future. God’s purposes are at the forefront, and calling for a life on mission made me think about how God sanctifies, serves, supports, and sends us out together with our spouses. This book is filled with invaluable wisdom, with ideas that can chart the course of your life.

    United with Christ

    Before ending with an appendix that includes forty helpful first-date questions, the book concludes with the fact that all Christians are guaranteed a wedding day when Christ returns. It’s a thought that gives hope to those who are dating, but also strength to those who might never marry. But until that day, we can have discernment in who we date. This book grounds us in reality, anchors us in Scripture, and unites us with Christ.

    I received a media copy of Dating with Discernment and this is my honest review.

  2. Lauren DuPrez

    Dating With Discernment is a very helpful read for Christian singles navigating dating in the modern world. There were many aspects of this book I enjoyed and I wish this resource would have been available during my single years. The author, Sam A. Andreades, writes in a way that is biblical and wise. I appreciated that rather than manipulating Scripture to create prescriptive rules for dating, Andreades provides readers with the same freedom as the Bible and provides many questions for consideration. The book does seem to have a complementarian tone to it and although I’m generally not a fan of either complementarianism or egalitarianism, the tone is very generous and gracious. Andreades did an excellent job of remaining biblically faithful.

    One example of this is in how he writes about the division of labor in the home between a husband and wife and in how he addresses women working outside of the home. While explaining that many women prefer to be stay at home moms, Andreades acknowledges, ” . . . When you have children, your perspective tends to change. You develop a focus on the hearth. This draw does not prohibit work outside the home, as the Proverbs 31 businesses and charities and Paul’s word choice in Titus 2 acknowledge,” (pg. 180). I really appreciated this insight and wish this was something I would have understood in the earlier years of my marriage. I also really enjoyed the emphasis Andreades had on unity within marriages. It was neat to learn about how Aquila and Priscilla are described and to note Andreades’ observation that, “. . . the fact that biblical authors will only mention them together will only say that ‘they’ took Apollos aside and corrected him (v. 26), rather than just ‘she,’ suggests a co-mission together in their marriage,” (pg. 231).

    Along with providing biblically faithful advice for dating, the book begins by acknowledging the hard but painful truth that dating relationships don’t always end the way we hope they do. Although this may seem like a discouraging way to begin a book on dating, I actually found it helpful. It seems that there is an unnecessary pressure on Christian dating relationships to always result in marriage and that is simply unrealistic. I wish I would have been more aware of this notion during my dating days but I’m grateful to Andreades for addressing it. The book also contains many real examples of Christian dating relationships that resulted in marriage and some that didn’t. It was interesting to explore these examples and consider the wisdom that could be drawn from each one.

    Dating With Discernment is a helpful read and although I am married, I still found myself benefitting from the book. This is a resource I plan to have close at hand for single friends who are navigating the world of dating and looking for godly guidance. If you are a Christ follower navigating dating, I highly recommend purchasing a copy and considering the questions and content of the book as you pursue marriage.

    I received Dating With Discernment compliments of Cruciform Press in exchange for my honest review.

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